Speaking of Heaven

Many have asked if and how I told my boys about our loss

Honestly, I don’t know how to sidestep reality, and didn’t really prepare all that much about how or when I would tell them…

As I walked in the door from our appointment, Tucker {7} looked up at me with his big blue eyes and immediately asked me what was wrong. I knelt down, and gently told him that the baby went to be with Jesus in heaven and is no longer in my tummy. His lip quivered momentarily and his blue eyes stared at me, big and blank, but I know the wheels were turning. He didn’t really want a hug or to snuggle {he processes inwardly and holds so very much inside} but got sort of squirrelly and played at my feet for some time as I talked with my dear friend who had been watching the boys. He at some point got distracted, but I knew that there would be more.

When I told Bennett {4}, a bit later, he lifted his head from his coloring page, big brown eyes sad, and he looked at my belly and at my face and back at his drawing. When I asked him how he was feeling, he looked up and said “happy” and flashed a little smile. I wasn’t sure he had connected what I had said until a little while later, when he asked why the baby wanted to go to heaven so fast.  Good question. He stopped to give me hugs intermittently throughout the rest of the evening amidst hallway football and movies and was so incredibly gentle and sweet. And after weeks of talking several times a day of baby, he hasn’t mentioned it in days.

I am constantly struck by how my boys are wired so very differently. And how even so young, how much they comprehend.

A lot of tears and conversations with family and friends as the boys ate dinner and watched a movie brought us to bedtime, and hours after I broke the news, I climbed up to the top bunk per Tucker’s request for a back rub. With the lights out, we chatted a bit and I asked him if he had any more thoughts about what I shared about our baby. He said softly, “It’s really sad, mom.” And after a long pause inquired, “So…will I meet the baby in heaven?”

“I suppose so…” I responded. “I trust that little person had a soul even for 6 weeks, and God says He’ll give us new bodies for when we go to heaven and we’ll even recognize each other.”

“But will he still be the size of a raspberry?”

“Hmm, good question. I don’t know… probably not. I wonder if God would have the baby grow up a little and give him a body that is a similar age as you in heaven. It’s all so very mysterious.”

“But how will I know he is my sibling?”

“Perhaps Jesus will introduce you… wouldn’t that be so amazing?”

“Yeah…” And then he made the most thoughtful connection. “You know the lady that gave me the gold? Nancy? Do you think I will get to meet her in heaven too?”

“Oh Tuck … Yes. Yes, indeed.”

You see, Marshall’s mom, Nancy, passed away from cancer when Marsh was in college.  Over Thanksgiving, Tucker had gotten to select a couple of her “gold” brooches that had been in storage and has been caring for them as his special treasure. I had no idea he had connected the whole story and had even known her name. But he had been listening…

I know that there is all sorts of theology about heaven that I don’t fully understand. I have so much to learn and so much to prepare for; I sort of skip over the death part, as I am not sure I want to think about how I will go down. I hope it is rather epic or Notebook style. But the part about being alive again, in a new body, raised like Jesus to be with Jesus. WOW.  I am so excited to meet Him face to face, to ask him a million questions, so excited to sit across a big table and have lovely feasts for days with the most wonderful of people who I never had time to engage in this world, to dance in a kingdom where the streets are gold, to hear the angels sing and join in their praise of the King of Kings who makes all things new.  Perhaps today, Nancy is embracing the little one who we will one day meet in heaven.  What a picture I am so thankful that Tucker painted for me  …  Yes, heaven is waiting.

their_peace_print

{She Reads Truth}


2 thoughts on “Speaking of Heaven

  1. Precious Emily. I have some special memories of my two oldest boys when I shared the loss of my babies with them each time. I still have a card one of them made for me on my bedroom wall. Hugs!

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  2. Emily and Marshall:
    No soul is ever lost or any less important than every other member in the family of God. The baby will continue to grow just like any other soul, and I am sure Nancy is very close to all that is going on. There is a knowing in Heaven that surpasses all our present understanding, but “on earth as it is in Heaven,” is the love in God’s wonderful creation. Cathy and I are sorry to hear this news, but I am always brought back to remember, that there are no mistakes, and although we don’t know presently, there is love and grace in the reason this child did not come to earth. May you all rest in the peace that Jesus brings to you at this time. Heaven’s just a breath away and there really isn’t any separation, it’s just that our perception and density isn’t up to speed.
    Love to you all,
    Uncle Bob and Aunty Cathy

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