I want to be GREAT. Heck, I am a three on the enneagram and the ideal person in my head is an amalgamation of the best parts of everyone I have ever met. SHE. is. my. goal. The problem? I will never arrive. I will never have peace. I will never be HER. In truth, if I am ever to live in freedom in my true identity, the lie that I could ever be perfect must be demolished and even “great” needs to be redefined.
So this☝🏼.... what if being great is doing things you don’t yet feel ready for? Taking risks and learning along the way and not apologizing for it? Doing the unknown, untested, scary thing and offering everything I’ve got with humility and grace and a joyfully teachable spirit?
That, I can wrap my arms around. So this week, I said yes to sitting on a board, to speaking at a Young Lives camp (Young Life’s ministry to teen moms) and I hired my first intern(!). I played in a kickball tournament with a bunch of elementary school moms and am now bruised and limping (but I did score 2 home runs!) and I listened to a song filled with questionable language with my 11 year old and engaged about the great beat and defined some cuss words and invited him to be analytical about what he was listening to rather than shutting it down (all the while wondering what the heck I was doing and if shutting it down was better than defining “pimpin” and potentially exposing him to what some would say is too much at his age). I observed an older gentleman unintentionally using caustic language and rather than excusing him, put my words in an email and invited him to consider the racial undertones of his words. This week I asked for a lot of forgiveness and welcomed help and am embracing the fact that I am not enough and need my community. These are all things my perfect person who avoids conflict, keeps the peace, tries to do it ALL, and only does things she knows she can do well would. Not. do.
I realize this can sound a bit self promoting. And I hate that. I in fact am tempted to not ever post a word of this. But to succumb to the risk that someone might see me as anything other than a cheerleader for freedom would mean that fear would win. So, here goes...
With three kids in school and one at home, the joy of working an extremely relational job, and LIFE, I don’t get to the classroom much. I have ridden the waves of feeling purposeful in my days and fine about this,to feeling like I am missing out and neglecting an important experience with my kids. I am eternally grateful to the moms who show up at school and PTA and all the things like it is their job because they are invaluable! On my worst days my inner critic compares myself to those super present moms and on my best days I feel nothing but gratitude and awe!
That said, I have committed to lending a hand (or treat) at holiday parties and chaperoning every field trip I can respond fast enough to get in on. It might only pan out to a few times a year for each of my sons, but these invaluable glimpses into my kiddos’ lives bear the sweetest rewards. 🚣 Today we headed downtown to Seattle’s Center for Wooden Boats with my kindergartener and what I witnessed made my heart swell. The way Wesley loved carrying extra lunches in his backpack and his excitement to ride next to me on the bus, the way he encouraged his sweet friend Daniel and rubbed his back excitedly as they climbed into a boat together to try their hand at rowing, the confidence as he swung a hammer to build a little boat and the kindness with which he asked for help when he became unsure. Out of the shadow of his big brothers, his volatility dissipated and his assured spirit shone bright. And I was so in awe of this little 6 year old that I forget is only 6. He is such a tender delight.
I think I sometimes miss that we need to pursue our kids creatively and uniquely - that there is a love story to build with them that takes sacrifice and new experiences and seeing them outside of my “normal” spaces. I feel like today was one of those days that reminded me just how much l want to build a great story with each of my little men. I want opportunities to see them in their element and encourage who they are becoming within and most certainly outside of the fold of our family. And I want to “lock in” every moment, even if he did punch me in the back when I refused to give him dessert.
Are you—when trials come at you, when people need carrying, when justice needs your voice—asking God to remove the burden? Or asking for a stronger back? The god of Comfort we in the west worship has proved to be an idol of epic proportions, but the God of comfort (meaning the one who SEES, encourages and strengthens) offers a very different method of bearing up under trial as a means of strength and character, rather than enabling us to escape trials because our privilege says “God can’t possibly be in it if it makes me strained or uncomfortable.” Praying for clear eyes that see me and others as the imago dei, for a humble heart to unlearn that which binds me, and for a stronger back to carry all that need a lift.
Shout out to @marshalljamieson for heaving three sons and two neighbors on his back this evening and inspiring this post.
To the boys that call me mom:
I would be lying if I didn’t tell you there are days that I want to run far far away; there are days I wonder if how I have parented you is irreparable; there are days when I lament my lack of patience, care, consistency and sacrifice for you. Most days, I wonder if I have done enough, been enough, said enough, listened enough, loved enough. You will probably never read this post, but if you ever do, I want you to know that this whole-hearted mom of yours is learning to show up despite perceived failure and momentary despair, to delight in you and be present with you and to fight fiercely the lies that say I am better off as anyone other than the broken and beautiful human being God gave you to call mom.
I went to bed with tears tonight, of gratitude and sadness and a little twinge of fear. Because I wonder if who I am will ever be enough, for you yes, but maybe most of all for me.
And I was reminded of a quote from a young man recently who shared with me what his mother always told him: “no one person is ever meant to be enough for any other one person”. {deep breath}
I need a community. I am reminded that in this journey of motherhood, I need all the nurturers—all the mothers—to fill in the vast gaps of who I cannot be, so that who I am is enough to fill the glorious space in the world that I am meant to take up, no more and no less. I need the aunties and grandmas and teachers and friends, the mentors and leaders, the biological mamas and the adoptive mamas and the mamas whose wombs might never be full but whose pregnant hearts we desperately need in the world. Because I cannot do it all. And I am so tired of trying. So to all who mothered me, from my own beautiful mama to the countless others who loved me, gave me a safe space to BE, wrestled thru the hard things and laughed through the best things and grew through ALL the things, my deepest and most whole hearted gratitude. We need each other. I am only enough when I have you.
To my boys, I will never be enough for you. But I will always be FOR you. I love you with all that I can muster and am so grateful I get to play such a glorious role in your beautiful lives.
Years ago I was struggling with some deep insecurity. I couldn’t help but see in every person around me something I was not and simultaneously something I needed to be. Imitation was the temptation, but we all know that imitation of someone else’s identity is theft and leads to death of creativity, integrity, relationships.... I confessed to a dear friend my struggle and she so graciously and wisely told me “satan fights with facts that are not truth”. The word “satan” literally translates to “the adversary” or “the accuser” and he is a liar.
Whether you believe in a literal enemy or not, we can all agree there is evil in the world and our perception is corrupted by lies. When I learned this all too important truth, I began to see how my own life was being hijacked by my interpretation of the facts of life. For example “she has a powerful story to tell” FACT :: “therefore My story is boring and ineffective and I need to study her style, speak like her, and be like her!” LIE :: (reframe) her story IS powerful, and unique, and her style is compelling because of her honesty. And so is mine. My willingness to show up to my life qualifies me to tell my own story and it will speak because it is true and valuable. There is no one else in the world that can tell it like ME. ” TRUTH.
Whenever comparison or competition arises, we can ask Truth to speak back to us the correct interpretation of the facts of our lives so that we become who we were designed to be, and not a second rate version of somebody else.
