Seared

Day four was rough.

I had gotten approximately 45 minutes of sleep; I am sure my hormones were insanely out of balance; my uterus was contracting; my milk came in which suddenly gifted me with boulders for breasts {just keepin’ it real}; and I was processing the fact that my newborn could have a rare genetic disorder. To say I was a bit raw was an understatement.

So it shouldn’t have been a big surprise when I spontaneously broke into tears as I was wiping off our counters after breakfast. But by the time began weeping over my salad at lunch and couldn’t stop, I began to fear that something was really wrong. I looked at Marshall and was able to get out, “I can’t {sob} stop {sob} crying and I am {sob} not even thinking {sob} of anything sad!”

I wondered if I already had post-partum depression and feared that this would be my new baseline. SERIOUSLY!? I cannot afford to cry all day!

And so with the house quiet — God is so good; I think he knew what was coming and had prompted dear friends to offer to take the boys to church for us and keep them for part of the day — Marshall took Finn and encouraged me to take a nap. I climbed into my bed but despite being exhausted, I could not sleep. I cried and cried, the only thing stopping me momentarily was the reminder of a scripture that I had scrolled by on my Instagram feed that morning. I pulled up Romans 15:13 and knew immediately that the Lord meant for His words to be seared on my heart.

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I needed these words desperately.

So as I lay there, I went over each word, each phrase and made it my own.

May.. this is a release of sorts. I need to let God do this  as it would not be mustered by my own strength.

May the God of hope…   HE is my hope, not a diagnosis, not a life free of trouble, not anyone or anything other than God can fulfill my hope. HE is the one that no one can take away.

Fill you with all joy and peace… I so desperately needed to be filled with both, and these were the kinds of joy and peace not connected to or dependent upon circumstances, but on God.

AS you trust in Him.. This joy and peace were hinged on whether I did a big trust fall with all that I was carrying into Jesus’ arms.

So that… There is purpose to all of this!

You might overflow with hope… I would love to overflow with hope so it can splash all over all the people closest to me. There is no greater gift.

By the power of the holy spirit…  Again, this all had to do with and was dependent on God, and not me, except that I needed to try less and trust more.

For the entire time I meditated on this scripture, the tears ceased.

That in and of itself was a miracle. And while the tears did not stop altogether, I fell asleep for a short time, and the Lord began to make good on his promise, slowly but surely. He made deposits throughout the remainder of the day, and while I wasn’t by any means overflowing yet, He was in the process of filling.

I believe there exists this myth out there that we can multitask, in other words, balance multiple things at a time in our brains. Sure, we may be able to move back and forth between tasks and juggle several things at once, but the reality is, our brain can only focus on one thing at a time. God knows. He made us. And he offers us this brilliance in scripture when he exhorts us through the words of Paul to “set your mind on things from above”!  If our minds are focused on the things of God and on his promises, then there is no room for wandering. There is no place for fear. The things of this world can be crowded out, eclipsed, by the truths of God.

What is your mind set upon today? May it be washed by the word of God {Eph. 5} and may you overflow with hope.


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